


Repercussion

by ObtuseOctopus



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Awkward Tension, Comfort/Angst, Confrontations, Dark Past, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Just Married, Marriage, Married Couple, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Morally Ambiguous Character, Non-Consensual Kissing, Past Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Past Relationship(s), Self-Reflection, Slice of Life, Stockholm Syndrome, Talking, Tension, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Wedding Night, Weddings, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22423990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObtuseOctopus/pseuds/ObtuseOctopus
Summary: • COMPLETE. •Years after the official peace between Earth and Homeworld, now grown up and older, Steven and Connie finally seal the deal and get married. It’s a ceremony for sure to be celebrated, something to further grow the bond between Gems and humankind.However, even on the most joyful of nights, Lapis isn’t exactly satisfied. Old memories still haunt her and her past still carries inside her. Past her smile, she holds her pain, bearing it with a grin.It’s worse now that Jasper is also here.
Relationships: Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	Repercussion

**Author's Note:**

> // Based on the songs “Satisfied”, “Congratulations”, and “Burn” from Hamilton, as well as “Scared” by Delta Rae.
> 
> Also slightly a vent... Oops.  
> TW for allude/themes of past abusive relationships, possible Stockholm syndrome, etc.

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Garnet, dressed in attire appropriate for the occasion as she assumed the position of vow master, gave a warm smile to the bride and groom. She stepped back, allowing the two to seal the deal and officially open a new chapter in life as a wedded couple.

The guests attending the ceremony varied from both humans to Gems, with nobody on any particular side. Tonight, everyone became family, and it was asked that nobody picks a side, but rather a seat. There was red roses and pink hibiscus that lined the sides of the chairs, a red carpet where the seats parted in the middle, and a beautiful overlook of the ocean just behind the location of the wedding. The moon was still slowly rising, stars peeking through a newly purple sky.

Gems and humans began to cheer when Steven and Connie had taken Garnet’s words and thus had kissed, the newborn night full of applause and whistles of joy. Pearl was holding back a multitude of tears as Greg bested her at the same game, Andy gave a faint grin, and Connie’s parents both were also fairly pleased. Doug was comforted by Priyanka, the poor man also like Greg trying to hold back his proud tears but failing miserably.

“Awesome, but, can we cut to the cake now?!” Amethyst excitedly suggested after she gave a holler of verbal applause, unable to stay still in her seat. She stood up in her chair among the front row of the seating. A few nearby Gems burst into giggles, some even agreeing with her statement as they kept at their cheers. Even Steven and Connie snickered at the excitement to get to the sweets.

  
  


* * *

“Connie… is it? Darling, you look rather  _ marvelous _ and  _ astonishing _ ,” White Diamond complimented as she stayed at relative level with the bride of her grandson upon leaning in to the wedded couple. She and the other two Diamonds were sitting around the lighthouse cliff where the marriage was taking place, their size being the reason why they had special seating though also blessed with the gift of seeing more than the average being.

“Thank you, ma’am,” Connie said with a smile, bowing her head a little to the space leader.

“Of course, sparkle shine. Welcome to the family.” White Diamond leaned away, though she still bore an approving smile, greeting Connie into the knit of the bond of the Diamonds and most superior of Gemkind. Spinel, perched upon Blue Diamond’s shoulder, eagerly leaped down to also give her greetings and share of good wishes to the couple.

However, as Gems and humans, friends and family of the couple created a good time with the after party, off to the side stood a Gem in particular. She was one of Steven’s first Gem friends outside of the original Crystal Gem trio, and although this occasion was meant for a day of peace and love as well as happiness, she found it hard to connect with the theme.

_ Of course  _ she was happy for Steven. She supported him completely, and she even liked Connie, who was a good friend too. She wanted Steven to be happy and safe as anyone else did, she wished no evil and no karma upon him, only grace and joy. 

But even then she felt…  _ awkward. _ A wedding- a ceremony celebrating love, made her feel… uncomfortable. It wasn’t because of Steven or Connie or anybody. Nobody was making her feel this way, it was just dumb herself being uncomfortable or weird with the idea of love in general. It was inherited from darker and deeper roots of her own past, something not even relevant that inflicted her today.

Lapis sighed as she regretted her choice to keep a distance, hounded by old memories that plagued her actions of today although long past. She wanted to go over and say her congratulations too, but… it’d just be awkward. Besides, there was enough people already who could do the job for her. Steven didn’t need the extra crowding.

Luckily she had managed to get Peridot and Bismuth to give her some space by telling them to go have fun and talk with other Gems or go say something to Steven, and that had been a while ago. She still had yet to see either of them return. … Course she cared about them too the same she cared about Steven, but they wouldn’t understand. Nobody did. Nobody would understand that in the midst of this, she just wanted some space, some time to herself, she didn’t want to talk and she didn’t want to socialize even if it was insisted that everybody just have a good time. Sometimes she needed some time to herself. Why couldn’t that be okay?

Because truth be told? Even if it made her sound like a dick and she  _ knew _ it, Lapis could admit that she wasn’t having a good time. Not if she was here. She attended because she didn’t want to upset Steven, but at the cost of her at the stake?

… She didn’t know what she felt. Neither did she know how to properly handle this. She felt a lot of emotions in her at once, and not a word to assign the feelings to. She wasn’t exactly good with emotions or dealing with them or confronting her turmoil. She mostly just bit her teeth and sucked it up for the time being.

She bore a simple navy blue dress for the occasion, her hair up in a bun and shells woven into her locks. When she moved to start slinking back away further from the wedding party, Lapis noticed something eerie in the corner of her peripheral vision. Something large, something red and orange, something or someone that she knew far too well better than anybody else. And just the sight alone sped up her pace, making her muscles flinch and clench as she did her best to maneuver through to avoid who it was.

… She failed, much be said. Lapis got her sandal caught on a carpet and thus stumbled some. By the time she regained her balance, making a dash for the bottom of the cliff, again she had tripped, the downhill catching her by surprise. She felt like an utter fool. Her teeth bared as she spun around to start removing her sandals, regretting her wardrobe choice. Course it was easier on her feet to wear shoes especially on rocky environments or sharp ground, but she should’ve kept it that way and avoided this wreck.

“Need a hand?”

Lapis froze. Her blood ran cold. She knew that voice. She couldn’t even breathe, her body pausing anything it was doing at once.

She dared to look up. And there was Jasper. The quartz with that damned face and those damned stripes, now adorned with damned corruption scars that looked like mold on her skin. Lapis couldn’t find the strength to move.

Why did Jasper come to her?

“You could just say yes,” Jasper gave a gruff snort, keeping her large hand held out to Lapis. 

Those words soured Lapis greatly. They were familiar.

The ocean Gem studied the quartz, scorning Jasper’s wedding attire consisting of a dark maroon suit. A pink flower of sorts was on the right of her suit, and Lapis diverted attention to it. “... Hibiscus?” She at last spoke, her voice akin to a wolf growl. She sat up on her own, sandals in hand, refusing the help and taking a stand on her own.

“Mallow, actually.” Jasper gritted her teeth as she adjusted the pink flower on her suit, handling the organic decoration with such gentle care and tender fingers. She didn’t seem angry that Lapis had denied her help offer. Just a bit annoyed maybe if at most.

“Hm.” Lapis took one last glance at the flower before she looked away, her arms crossed over her chest. The tension remained between the both of them, one that was of awkwardness. It was becoming her favorite word, her new best friend. Awkward… it had a ring to it that she savored at the tip of her tongue. It was the feeling she had back when Steven asked of her to stay on Earth although the Diamonds loomed as a threat, the same feeling she had when Peridot asked her who her favorite character was in Camp Pining Hearts and she said Percy because he didn’t know how to confront himself and his true feelings.

“How’s the… This thing?” Jasper spoke again, gesturing to the wedding in the distance. 

“Wedding,” Lapis corrected simply.

“Yeah. Wedding,” Jasper rolled her eyes. She seemed less… aggressive. More open, accepting of new ideas and learning. Was this really the same Gem that she used to know? The same Gem that she used to use as a personal punching bag? Perhaps there was something to it she didn’t know. After all? She knew that Steven tried to help everybody, Jasper included as much as she hated it.

“Why do you care?” That was the closest Lapis asked to flat out spitting the question of asking why Jasper was here. She wasn’t  _ that  _ important to Steven. She would know.

“I was invited.”

Lapis again flinched. Great. “You could always leave.”

“And miss out on the cake?” Jasper laughed.

“Gems don’t need to eat.”

“Then why are you here?”

Lapis fell quiet. She wished that she  _ could  _ chuck a sandal or two at Jasper and not get in possible trouble for it. “Same as you.” She also wanted to so badly curse at her. But then surely all of her development and build up, the things she learned and the things that she had been through, would be for nothing.

“You know, he has spirit,” Jasper said, scratching the back of her head after making sure to not hit one of the curled horns that jutted from her head.

“Who?”

“You know who. Steven.”

Lapis’ eyes went wide. She… actually called Steven by name…-? No, this couldn’t be. This was NOT the Gem that she knew. She said nothing.

“Whoever he’s getting attached to, they look cute,” Jasper continued.

Yeah, this definitely wasn’t the Jasper she once knew. Lapis felt a rush of… fury course in her. Anger, because she was upset that Jasper changed. And why? She didn’t know. She didn’t. If she did? She would've already written a brochure about it.

Lapis bit her tongue. She turned away, taking her sandals with her. She turned her back to Jasper, her brows furrowed and lips snarled in a grimace. Now she regretted telling Bismuth and Peridot to in other words give her some space.

“Hey, where are you going?” Jasper called, walking after her.

Lapis groaned, hating that Jasper was following her. “Don’t you know when someone doesn’t want to be bothered?” She challenged, reaching the bottom of the cliff and walking out onto the sandy beach below. 

“I guess not…” Jasper honestly answered, stopping before she reached the sand. Lapis knew why. Jasper was casting suspicious glances at the ocean. The same prison that kept them confined for months, driving them both insane. And yet, in those same waters…

Lapis paused once more, her attention now also fixated on the ocean. Although calm and quiet for now, she knew how much of a storm, a hurricane, a tsunami, that the waters could become. The ocean was no force to be reckoned with, she swirled and she twirled with calmness unless something rocked her waves. Then the sea was a beast, whose torrents would hail over the most monstrous of obstacles. The ocean had a flow. The ocean had a defense, a nature that was unpredictable yet… beautiful.

“It… always makes me uneasy,” Jasper spoke again as if she could read Lapis’ mind. “The ocean reminds me of…”

“I know,” Lapis agreed, entranced. Her mind was in fifty places at once, finding it hard to focus even as she studied the sea. She set her sandals down for now on a nearby rock in the crag of the cliff side. “There was… things…-“

“We don’t have to talk about it.”

“What happened to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“What happened to the Jasper that  _ I  _ knew?” Lapis spat.

“In the past, simple,” Jasper brushed it off easy. “Things change.”

“Not this fast,” Lapis rebutted.

“They can, if you give it a chance,” Jasper defended. “Like Earth, there’s rain one day and sun another.” Her amber eyes settled back on Lapis. “This place is so weird.”

“You were made here, weren’t you?”

“I was.” Jasper slumped down in the grass that bordered the sand, resting her chin upon a hand. She sat with her legs crossed, and Lapis hated that by the looks of it, Jasper was here to keep talking to her and bothering her. She turned again, to have Jasper clear in her sights. Just in case. Lapis said nothing back. She just stared. So, Jasper continued. “Even now, everything feels weird.”

Lapis narrowed her stare.

“When you’re subdued into a state like this, when you can’t fight anything anymore, you get a lot of thoughts,” Jasper murmured, staring down at the grass. “... I did awful things. I was manipulated. I thought I was doing a good cause.”

Yup, this didn’t sound like the Jasper she knew. Lapis had to keep herself restrained. She was so… so  _ fed up  _ that Jasper seemed like a brand new holy person.

“You know, I thought I was a good guy when I served the Diamonds. It was my  _ life _ . I was made for fighting, Lazuli. Fighting was my life. Then when you take away that… you have no purpose.”

Lapis wanted her to shut up.

“I had no purpose and I was so obsessed over knowing that. I did  _ anything  _ that I could to feel satisfied again. Fuck, I pulled  _ grass  _ because it was the closest I could get to ripping something apart! Anything that stands in my way should be destroyed. That’s what the Diamonds taught me. Whoever and whatever interrupts my mission, needs to be eliminated.”

Lapis was fairly surprised by the curse. She could admit that.

“I feel like Earth isn’t the same as I used to know it.” Jasper kicked at some sand, then retreated her foot back into the safety of the grass. “I hate myself. I hate that I was born here. I hate all the fucking things I did. Why the fuck am I even talking to you about this? You’d never get it. You’re a good guy; always have been and always will. Steven stuck his neck out for you no matter what you did and yet he loathed whenever I’d show up.”

Was Jasper venting to her? Lapis wanted to fly away instead of play therapist here. Yet… part of her could relate with the last thing that Jasper said. She felt open and exposed, like someone was performing surgery and had split her open to verbally list what she felt inside herself. Before she knew it, her mouth was moving too. “I… hate things I did too,” she quietly said.

Jasper perked her curiosity. 

So, Lapis continued. “I did awful things. Not just to you.”

“I’ve seen worse,” Jasper laughed. “War changes you, you know. And I can’t spend my life complaining- it happened and I can’t do anything about it. My fists destroyed more than I can count. I’ve shattered dozens and appeased the Diamonds, who now only see me as a monster anytime I go near Steven. Things are in the past but judgement lives till the last day. You don’t get off scotch free. As a soldier, you carry your burden until you collapse.”

“Brutal,” Lapis commented.

“Exactly. Warriors are strong and diligent, loyal and powerful. We are what makes the army and the force.” Jasper shook her head. “Again, I say things you wouldn’t understand…”

“No. I… understand,” Lapis shrugged. “Not… the war part, but… about hating yourself.” She inhaled softly. “I still hate myself for things I did. I… never imagined in a million years that I’d find  _ you _ of all people to be relatable. It’s embarrassing.”

“Hm. Must be,” Jasper huffed. 

“Do you miss her?” Lapis blurted.

“Come again?”

“You know what I mean…” Lapis snapped. And the short silence that followed from Jasper only proved her right. “I ask you-“

“... I do,” Jasper nodded. “Even if it was wrong. Fucking horrible mess of a fusion... It’s disgusting. Even with the  _ power _ , at what cost? I became insane. I lost sense of myself. I should have been harvested for the lengths I took. A soldier knows nothing but her mission and her mission only. To fail is to fail her own superiors, so I became ruthless.”

“So we understand each other,” Lapis noted. “Good.”

“I suppose so.”

“I used you.”

“So did I.”

“I beat you.”

“Again, so did I.”

“It was… bad-!”

“I know.”

Lapis hitched her breath. “It’s been so long yet I still…- I…” she hissed past her teeth. “I still feel her presence.” She approached Jasper, then knelt down in front of the larger Gem. “This is so  _ fucked _ up…”

“You could say that again-“ Jasper agreed before Lapis did something unexpected. The blue Gem had lurched forward, her head coming to a rest as her lips mashed against Jasper’s. The quartz, taken by surprise, said nothing, but was moderately shocked. 

When Lapis had pulled away, she rested her palms against Jasper’s knees, still leaned into Jasper’s personal space. “We could have been something better…” she whispered, her face faltering as Jasper could see the breaks in her expression indicating self hatred and loathing. She knew that feeling too well.

“What’s done is done,” Jasper stated, refusing to shove Lapis off of her out of intrigued interest of what the smaller Gem was doing.

“And I hate myself for it.”

“I know. I do too.”

“We could’ve been better- imagine Malachite, but she’s healthy and-“

“Lapis.” Jasper gave a firm snarl in order to get Lapis’ attention. “Listen to yourself. What we did back then was atrocious and you know it. That fusion was nothing but hell.”

“But she could have been better if we just gave it a chance-!” Lapis increased her volume. Her hands gripped Jasper tightly, her body shaking. 

Jasper just watched her. 

“I know it was bad- I want nothing to do with her! I want nothing to do with  _ you _ ! But I miss her… why do I miss her?!” Lapis sobbed. This also surprised Jasper, who had never seen anybody as strong as Lapis just  _ break down  _ like this.

Jasper grabbed one of Lapis’ hips, trying to get her to soften up and loosen up her grip. “Lapis-“

“Do you want this?! We could have- fuck, I don’t want to do this right now. Why is she still there?! It was fucking terrible-!”

“Lapis, calm. Down,” Jasper firmly enunciated, holding both of Lapis’ hips. “Look at me, count my hair strands, calm down.” She reached out with one hand to softly caress Lapis’ face, directing her attention to where it was necessary. 

Lapis was still trembling, but gradually she eased, her eyes fixed on Jasper’s face. Her cheeks were stained with tears, the edges of her face and hair turned silver by the cascading moonlight. Though a beautiful sight, Jasper knew better now than to resort to her battle roots and take advantage. She learned, she watched, she waited, and she knew how to distinguish right from wrong.

“... I miss her too,” Jasper quietly said. “But, you need to calm down. I’m going to hit you if you don't get some sense into you.” She cast a glance to the side, unable to bear eye contact for the next part. “Look, it’s okay to miss things. Just know it was bad, and that what you did then was bad.”

“It could’ve been good…”

“But it wasn’t. And that was what happened. End of story.” 

“But it could have-!”

“Lapis, nothing good came out of what we did. Look at yourself for stars’ sake, we’re both fucking terrible and deserve what’s coming our way.” Jasper began to try and push Lapis off her, only for the former terraformer to stop her by placing a hand on her chest. 

“I’m sorry,” Lapis said, surprising Jasper again. “For everything.”

Jasper finally met her gaze once more. She sighed, reluctantly. “... Me too.”

A moment of silence passed. Then, Lapis once more pressed a kiss to Jasper’s lips. Jasper had no idea what this was besides the fact that it was what Steven and Connie did to become partners or something. She was more knowledgeable on pressure points or what spots made the enemy fall fastest. When it came to physical things that  _ weren’t  _ meant for violence, she was as dumb as a rock.

“What is this?” Jasper finally peeped, Lapis pulling away for the second time.

“I… don’t know,” Lapis admitted, a hand over her mouth. “It just… came over me.” She shifted, about to get off, but this time Jasper reached out to stop her.

“Wait-“ Jasper said. “Stay here with me for a bit.” She paused. “... If you want,” she added.

Lapis said nothing back, but she heeded the offer; hesitating for a second before she relaxed and thus leaned against the quartz. She and Jasper didn’t say anything more, but it was in that silence that many words were said. They were both ruined, and they both had suffered. They couldn’t fix their past and although there had been a chance, in the end they proved to be opposites and terrible towards each other, not meant to be. Though tainted and bruised from past encounters, in the now they were just shambles trying to tape themselves back together again.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Broken Hands](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22889482) by [LeslieTheGrey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeslieTheGrey/pseuds/LeslieTheGrey)




End file.
